What is the imposter syndrome ?
When I first heard about the impostor syndrome, I thought it was some kind of illness combined with acting or comedy. When I really understood what it meant, I was really surprised and unfortunately admitted that I recognized myself.
Imposter syndrome is a self-created feeling. It’s when we doubt about our own capacity. We often think wrongly, that we can’t succeed at whatever we target. We have a downward perception of ourselves, even though those around us obviously see our achievements and successes as great. Despite this, we refuse to believe it. We think we’re an impostor or a fraud who will eventually be discovered.
In other words, we feel inadequate and judge ourselves internally, even though we are objectively capable and competent. Sounds familiar to you?
The 5 traits of the impostor syndrome
Let’s see if you could recognize any of the following traits.
The genius syndrome
Who buys loads of books, wants to know everything, on all media, on internet, books, newspapers, to expand their knowledge in a particular field? For example, who gets all info to know all the best kitesurfing tricks, or to know what is the best nutriment for our body and wellbeing, or find all the technical information to sell a product, or simply reading all literature to best parenting? Who could talk about it for hours, but doesn’t feel competent enough? Because he or she doesn’t yet know it all inside and out.
If that’s you, you could be suffering from the “genius who wants to know everything” syndrome.
The Superhero Syndrome
Who has a tendency to load themselves beyond their capabilities at work or their personal lives? Or who wants to take all the responsibilities for ensuring that a project is delivered on time? Who runs all day to bring the kids to school, monitor their homework, pay school bills and organizes the children’s extra curricular events? Or who prepares a gourmet dinner for guests just after a long day at work? Who calls the electrician when the heaters stop working, just when winter arrives, of course! And all this in the same day, as the day is not long enough, right? And who feels exhausted, but unable to ask for help?
If that’s you, you might be suffering from the SuperHero syndrome.
The perfectionist syndrome
Who, after completing the writeup of a report, reads it 4 times or more to make sure that the comma is in the rightly placed in the document. Who spends an entire session kitesurfing to land perfectly. Who rehearses a 10-minute presentation 10 times so that it’s perfect in the eyes of the audience? Who check every line items in the groceries receipt to ensure that there’s no mistake in the amount. Who ensures that all emails are read to ensure that no answer had been missed? And of course is never satisfied with the results because it’s not perfect.
If that’s you, you could be suffering from the perfectionist syndrome, never satisfied despite the job is done.
The Expert syndrome
Who has a Master Degree, training and experience spanning several decades? Who has adapted to a change of location? Who speaks several languages? Who knows how to drive in both sides depending on the countries ? Who can identify the strength in others? Who can connect easily with people and inspire others? Who can paint, sing, play music instrument or create wonderful creative dishes? And despite all this expertise, who wonders if they’re good enough at what they do?
If that’s you, you could be suffering from expert syndrome.
The Soloist syndrome
Who does the grocery shopping, cooking and does the house cleaning on its own? Who writes all the meeting report or generate a Powerpoint presentations or simply notes all alone? Who decide the next event without consulting others? Who often does everything alone, and does not delegate any tasks to others? Whether it’s at work or at home, that person thinks that no-one else can do it as well as its own person.
If that’s you, you could be suffering from Soloist Syndrome.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these traits?
If anyone of you felt I was describing your own behavior in any of these traits, nothing to worry about, it is normal! The impostor syndrome touches more than 50% of the population. So rest assured, you’re not alone.
And I must confess that I could identify myself with the 5 traits! This is me realizing that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself. And unfortunately, I’m processing it and try to figure out how to overcome the Impostor Syndrome. Let me tell you my story.
My syndrome after few setbacks
It was beginning of 2020, and after almost 10 years abroad, I had to return to France without my children. Without telling you the details, they stayed in Malaysia with their father. It wasn’t what I had expected, so you could imagine (or maybe not), how I was devastated.
So here I am, returning to France after a successful career abroad, without a real motivation with this new situation. This return back to Paris, was a real hammer on my head, and I felt like a failure in my career. I was processing internally and told myself that I hadn’t succeeded in fulfilling my role as Director in Malaysia. I returned to France without my children, who stayed with their father for another 6 months.
At that time, I didn’t know when I’d see them again… We were in the COVID19 period. And the father of my children was looking for a job in France during this period, from Malaysia. I was devastated all the time waiting for the kids even though I could speak to them through video call, even if it wasn’t ideal. I dove into a kind of depression and started to lose confidence in me, as a mother, as a professional, as a wife… my current husband had to be very supportive and caring during this period, which he did. I’m so grateful to have him by my side.
My own perception was terrible but here is the factual reality which may not be as bad from an external view.
Factual reality
During COVID19, and within a declining market, my company had to make the decision to cut costs. Many expatriates have been sent back to their home entities.
I could have been pushed out from the company, this is very common in the industry. However, my employer obviously wanted to keep me in the organisation. For that purpose he has created a new role in France specifically for me, a role to support the entire organisation across the globe. It is only years later that I realized the importance of my role, which is related to the transformation of a business.
What I saw as a failure with my family situation, with the children separation, was actually a school constraint. My contract in Malaysia was ending in December and my children had to finish the school year.
My husband, who had returned 3 months before me in France, was impatiently waiting for me in the South-West of France, which is not a bad place to stay in France.
At that time I could only see the negative situation, as we see a glass have empty. But my glass was actually half full. The children had returned to France 6 months later. And it was not getting any better.
In the middle of COVID19, I had to navigate between a new job and the French court, to get custody of my 2 children. We had agreed with their father that my daughter would stay with me in Paris. I had the hope of having my son with me as well.
Bad reality
After several court proceedings, the judge decided that my son would stay with their father in Nice. Having stayed 6 months together with his father, without seeing me, has let him favor his cat in the south of France (a place he never knew before), also knowing his sister would stay with me. What could I do? Cry of course…
That was the second hammer on my head and I fell into a pit of depression. Since then, the downward spiral kick started. I saw everything I did and said as insignificant. Diminishing myself in every situation. I’m not a good mother. I’m not a good wife. I’m not a good professional.
It got so bad that my husband told me to go and consult not a doctor, but a shrink. That’s when I realized I was not well at all. And all that time, I’d been trying to put on a poker face, to show that I was fine. But I wasn’t and did not want to recognize it.
It’s been a long road to get to a more stable situation.
There is hope
Let me reassure you: there are ways to overcome the impostor syndrome.
- Acknowledge your feelings with the facts to help seeing the glass half full rather than half empty
- Remind yourself of your achievements. Similar to the Gratitude game, identify your accomplishment and be proud of it
- Get a mentor, or a sponsor, at work, through your friends, colleagues. Having someone that could take distance from your feelings and provide you the good facts and accomplishment you made, will help you to step forward, rather than staying alone with your inner thoughts.
I’ll tell you about them in next posts.
Stay tuned
Neary
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