One of my good colleagues and now friend, Paul, told me that when we met at work, he thought I was a very serious person. It was my first job and I had to develop my confidence and succeed. Somehow, unconsciously, I behaved like the managers in my work environment, which were mostly male. I started as a mechanical and thermal engineer in the aerospace industry. I was replacing an experienced engineer that was leaving. We had only a short handover, and I was overwhelmed with all the new things that I had to learn. Ultimately, to get this confidence and expertise, I spent long hours reading all the project documents, as well as scientific articles, to understand how the complex product was functioning. It was at atomic clock meant to be placed on the International Space Station… not a small thing!
Confidence challenge in Corporation culture
One of my good colleagues and now friend, Paul, told me that when we met at work, he thought I was a very serious person. It was my first job and I had to develop my confidence and succeed. Somehow, unconsciously, I behaved like the managers in my work environment, which were mostly male. I started as a mechanical and thermal engineer in the aerospace industry. I was replacing an experienced engineer that was leaving. We had only a short handover, and I was overwhelmed with all the new things that I had to learn. Ultimately, to get this confidence and expertise, I spent long hours reading all the project documents, as well as scientific articles, to understand how the complex product was functioning. It was at atomic clock meant to be placed on the International Space Station… not a small thing!
I felt so proud to be part of this industry that I worked very hard to deliver as expectation. I put a lot of pressure on myself. The engineer that left had 5 years experience while I was a fresh graduate. I did everything I could to be as competent as the one I replaced. i needed this confidence level and unconsciously copying the behavior of my peers, which ended me up to be perceived as “very serious” person.
As a fresh graduate, I wanted badly to be perceived as professional, hence adopting the behavior code of the work environment. Even though outside, I felt that I was a fun person, when I’m at work, I entered in the mold of the company culture. It was as if being competent was a synonym of being fierce and serious. Over the years, I might have lost my own self to become a professional cast in the mold of the enterprise culture. Is it good or is it bad? I now come to the realization that I would like to find my own self again and remove the professional face mask. The work is still in process.
The Highs and Lows of confidence and Successful Career
From the lenses of most people, I have the trait of confidence and competency as a professional woman. Starting my career in French Industries and evolving through the ranks to ultimately manage a 130-person business unit in Asia, my journey spans over two decades of relentless pursuit of excellence. On the surface, I was a representation of success, a role model for aspiring professionals. However, beneath this facade of achievement lay a tumultuous ocean of self-doubt and fear. my confidence is not as high as perceived.
Despite external accolades and recognition, a nagging internal voice constantly questioned my accomplishments. I feel that I’m missing a lot of my personal and professional target. This resulted in feeling doubt in my accomplishments and sometimes think that I’m a fraud even though there are evidence that I’m competent. This internal conflict was not unique to me. It’s a psychological pattern where individuals doubt their accomplishments and fear being exposed as a “fraud,” despite evident success. I was sometimes wondering if I had a clinical disorder, but discovered lately where my lack of confidence was coming from. The proper term to describe this common behavioral pattern that affects how people perceive their achievements: the Impostor Syndrom. This phenomenon can be particularly pronounced in professional or challenging environments.
Unpacking the Impostor Syndrome, and lack of confidence
Chronic Self-Doubt
My career has been a series of evolutions. From a mechanical engineer, procurement, contract to project management, learning organization, to general management and nowadays in a corporate function. For every new position, it was a new challenge.
Each transition felt like starting from scratch, with the inherent pressure to prove myself all over again. This constant self-doubt and lack of confidence in myself made me question my abilities, attributing my success to external factors rather than my own competence.
It always took some time to readjust to a new role, but the more I did, the easier it get.
Overcoming this self-doubt and lack of confidence
I realized over time that all the various positions I had, was adding valuable experiences and learning. All my past jobs have giving me a new baggage of experience that will always serve me. I thought wrongly that I was re-starting from scratch every time I was assigned to a new position. Actually, this term “starting from scratch” is a common misinterpretation of the reality.
Be aware that you are continuously learning, developing practical experiences, familiarizing with your work environment and building networks. Don’t forget that your colleagues’ network, the knowledge of the company system, the known culture are your assets. In a new position, you are only learning more, based on our existing experience and knowledge. Your competence and performance will be valuable knowledge and experience to share, to get a new level of self confidence. You have capitalized knowledge and network of people in the company, so this is a great opportunity to continuously build your strength and confidence. So don’t be afraid to move to a new role, position, new job and why not to an entrepreneur!:-) Change is the only constant in life!
My childhood friends are a solid support to ourselves. They helped me in my periods of doubt and low confidence to praise me for what I have accomplished and often tease me as they view me that “super Brain” of the group with my “long” studies. Everytime I’m surrounded my group of friends, they make me feel good and I get reinvigorated and remotivated with their encouragement. I’m also in a safe place to be myself, which helps me retrieve who I am and regain confidence.
Fear of Failure, lack of confidence
Did you know that public speaking is the biggest fear that people experience after death?
Well, I had an unfortunate experience that still sustains this fear.
I was newly appointed as a project manager in 2011 in Kuala Lumpur and had to speak to an auditorium of roughly 100 people.
I hated my boss, when he asked me to present at the townhall because he couldn’t make it…a day before. “Of course” I said. But internally I was screaming in anger and defeated, thinking about speaking in public, the fear of the audience, the fear of not being competent in what I do. Even though the presentation was already made, I had little time to practice before the event. And despite encouragements from my peers, the fear of failure and being ‘unmasked’ has remained for years. It highlighted the pressure I put on myself, leading to over-preparation and stress.
The D-day came. It was effectively a disaster.
I could hardy find my words in English, which was not as fluent as today. Then it was my first time using a microphone, so spent my time readjusting it. I was either too close or too far – meaning the sound of my voice was too loud or too soft for the audience. I had to have a piece of paper with my notes. And of course during the presentation, I was so nervous that I dropped the paper, and had to apologize to the public, I was so embarrassed! It was a horrible experience, I had to tell the audience that I was nervous because it was my first time addressing them.
Overcoming fear of failure
After the presentation, I had positive encouragement from my peers. My colleagues told me that it was obvious that I was not comfortable but the message well understood. Being able to share my stress, challenges was comforting and help me to move forward. I confess that I’m still not confident as of today in public speaking. But I learned how to do it, and it became a bit easier over time, even if I hate this exercise.
Failure is a sentiment that we generate ourselves. The feedback from others should be a lever to improve. Having a community, friends, colleagues to support during these situations is really key, help to motivate us to move forward and boost confidence in yourself.
Attributing Success and confidence to External Factors
People with impostor syndrome are likely to attribute their successes to external factors rather than their own skill or qualifications.
I changed from the aerospace to energy industry thanks to Catherine, a manager that I considered as a mentor. I viewed her very highly, as she was a great manager, approachable, pedagogic, very competent but very strict with our suppliers. She was a great role model for the young engineer I was at that time. I would always be grateful to her. I had worked with her for a year. Unfortunately my mission stop suddenly due to another Manager, Isabelle, and Catherine could not hire me due to the company internal rules – I was a contractor at that time. She eventually proposed me another role, but in another company.
I was lucky and hired straight away in 2005, and after 18 years, I’m still in the same company today… I always owed her for this “gift” she gave me. But meeting Catherine 15 years later in my life, she shared with me that I was a fast learner, motivated, hardworking and adaptive.
Praising ourselves for success and confidence level
I was only realizing after so many years, that it was due to myself, my aptitude and capacity, and not because she only appreciated me and she couldn’t hire me. I was finally accepting that my move was due to my competence and not because she felt guilty not offering me an internal job.
Even with clear evidence of competence, individuals may feel undeserving of their position or success. When doubting of ourselves, fearing of failure, thinking our success is coming from external factors, and don’t accept praise, it makes it difficult to feel worthy of the success we have achieved. We need to be more indulgent with ourselves, and recognize what we have accomplished. It’s not always easy to realize it ourselves. So, having someone to tell us is key and help in reshaping our confidence level.
Having a community, friends, family, colleagues is key in the journey to heal ourselves against ourselves. They would act as a mirror of ourselves that we do not want to see, and which finally is not too bad.
Difficulty in Accepting Praise
“Hey Nea, I didn’t realized that you are French as I don’t hear the French accent when you speak” I often hear that as a compliment.
However, I used to answer, “thank you, but it’s nothing special, because my Mom sent me to Boston when I was 13, at my aunty’s for 2 months, and I also studied a year in England”. It is so natural for me to speak English that I couldn’t recognize it or praise myself for it. But if i looked deeper, at the age of 13, I forced myself to speak English with my American’s family when I was sent to U.S , then I intentionally selected a Master degree in England to study in English. Later in my career, I decided to go abroad in Asia Pacific with my family so that my kids could also learn English as easily than I did.
It’s only when I arrived in Malaysia that I realized that I finally recognize my ability to speak a fairly good English, when one of my Malaysian Chinese friend told me that I was the only French she could understand. The same happened in Australia, when a colleague told me that he could understand me better than my French-Australian husband!:-)
It maybe part of my character trait to refuse praise. But we should learn to appreciate ourselves and recognize our accomplishment, without blushing. There is no harm to love ourselves, but so difficult because we never learned to do so. Realizing this from other help me on boosting my confidence level.
Reconnection to self confidence with kitesurfing
My experience with kitesurfing had helped me on my personal growth journey. It’s Kitesurfing for me. For you, this could be any other passion.
I found in the practice of kitesurfing the freedom of being me. Everytime I’m on my board, I feel connected to myself again.
- I no longer have to hide behind the business woman, or the serious mask I have to wear at work.
- I have no longer doubt in myself and been able to acknowledge my accomplishment to ride on the water.
- I no longer fear to fail. This is the way to learn and improve my kitesurfing techniques.
- I can be proud of myself, being able to ride on my own, navigating amongst the other kitesurfers. Plus, the more I practice, the better, and I could see my level increasing and start to see more beginners, and help me feel stronger.
- My level of confidence is optimal
And finally, now it’s becoming easier to accept when someone praise me doing this cool sport.
Ultimately I have found through kitesurfing, an activity that help me being myself again, and rebuild my self-confidence.
This has impacted positively my physical health and my mental health in the same time. And this has also help me regain energy and confidence professionally.
Social support with Kitesurfing friend
I started to kitesurf with my wakeboarding female sport buddy. We were alike, high rank professionals in the same male dominant company in Malaysia. In addition, our friends viewed us highly by our friends because of the sport we practiced. And also because we were strong, self-determined and self-confident female professionals… and still are.
Our Kitesurfing trips were always exceptionally enjoyable moments. We always travel amongst other kitesurfing friends, and with our husbands, who also kitesurf. We are kitesurfers families. Even if we didn’t have the same level of experience, we would always support each others. Our trips are always filled with lot of laughter and good memories. We were lucky to be in Asia Pacific, and being able to have our trip in Indonesia – Lombok, east of Malaysia – Kuantan, or even around Perth, Australia: Safety Bay, Lancelyn, Scarborough or Cottesloe – our favorite places in Western Australia.
It is always heartwarming to evolve in a caring and benevolent community. After just a weekend of kitesurfing together with any colleagues, became friends. The bonding that we create were very strong and lasting. There are never any judgments with the beginners, because we all know how challenging it could be. The community we created through our passion is long lasting, even we don’t see each other very often, we are always glad to meet again anytime we could, especially in a kitesurfing spot.
The Power of Strong Female Community
I have a particular bonding with my friend Manue,. And it’s not only because we shared the same passion, but I realized that we have evolved in the same environment as female professional. And this has created a unique relationship that I could not find with anybody else. She is the only person that could challenge me on both my personal and professional life and boost me in both situations.
We all know that life is not perfect, and we both had our difficulties. As we were juggling with our family life, (kids, husband, parents), work challenges, our own health, we are in sync and understand each others easily. Even if she still lives in Malaysia and we don’t see each other very often, each of our gathering is an additional motivation of each other lives in growing together with our own experiences. Everytime, we learn something together and became stronger. It’s like we’re absorbing each other energies and elevate to a next level everytime we meet. She’s the mirror I needed for myself to help me reflect on my situation.
You can’t imagine how great it is to have a supportive community. It provides me with a sense of belonging and an external perspective that often helped me dismiss my internal negative thoughts. Whether it was colleagues offering comfort during personal struggles or the camaraderie and mutual support found in my kitesurfing group, these interactions were instrumental in reshaping my self-perception.
Join our Community of self-confidence
Opening up about personal challenges at work, something I had never done before, brought unexpected support and understanding. It was a revelation to see how sharing vulnerabilities could build stronger connections and foster a supportive environment.
I extend an invitation to every woman who wants to join our community. It’s a space where we share experiences, we give support, and celebrate achievements. The power of community lies in its ability to provide a mirror to our true selves, reflecting our strengths and capabilities that we often overlook.
Impostor syndrome, particularly prevalent among women in male-dominated industries, can lead to stress, anxiety, and hindered personal and professional growth. The first step in overcoming this challenge is acknowledging its presence. Strategies like seeking social support, mentorship, engaging in open dialogues about self-doubt, and learning
My story is not unique; I hope it resonates with many. It’s a narrative of overcoming internal doubts, learning to accept praise, and recognizing one’s worth.
Join us in building a network of strong, supportive women that’d boost each other’s confidence through our passion.
Neary,
What if we kite?
